The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
