right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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