I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
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