fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
