I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
