I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
