Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
