so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
