i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
