i need an iv and a liver transplant
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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