just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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