we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
