I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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