we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
