Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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