last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Your penis caused this!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
