woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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