i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
