I saw his package. It spoke to me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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