I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
