apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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