Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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