you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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