Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize