Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
