I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
