i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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