90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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