so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
