she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
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