hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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