I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If that was your dad, he is hot
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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