If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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