We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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