they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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