zippers are such a cool invention
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
