He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
