Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
