The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
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yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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