Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
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My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
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You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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