YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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