I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
