On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
