I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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