I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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