I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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