I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
