if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
