i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
