the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
