He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
