you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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