smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
