mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
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Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
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What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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