Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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