my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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