I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
