wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
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This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
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Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
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