I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
