he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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